


This Flawed World Is Worth It Because You're Here

by xuhannie



Series: Just Us (Stray Kids) [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Depression, Jisung came outta nowhere and is there for him, M/M, Minho is going through it, Sad Ending, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Insert, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, also because it would end up with someone dead so nah, because that's how all my fics end, but everything is not as it seems, everything here happened lmao, i wish i had a soulmate like jisung, minsung are soulmates, not like it'll make a difference the education system is shit everywhere, only Jisung didn't happen, school system is based on mine cuz idk how korean schools work, this fic is disguised as a diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-23 12:09:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19150753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xuhannie/pseuds/xuhannie
Summary: So undeservingSo overdramaticSo selfishBut is being selfish necessarily a bad thing to be?Minho is in a dark place when he gets a phone call from an unknown number





	This Flawed World Is Worth It Because You're Here

**Author's Note:**

> A self insert fic where Minho is s based on me and Jisung is someone i wish i had in my life  
> Hyunjin and Felix are based on my besties lmao

It did not happen out of nowhere.

It was the result of the accumulated pent up frustration Minho had at everything life was throwing at him.

He blames the order of life for the suffering he's been through.

He blames it for the continuous bad luck he's been bestowed upon day after day without a mistake.

He blames it for the thoughts that invade his mind, that nobody should ever have because it claws and tears at the shell you didn't know you've built around yourself.

But deep down inside, he knows;

He blames himself.

It was the day before Sport's Day and he's already fucked up yet again. It would be easy to blame on his lack of concentration or his poor hearing eventhough it was true. However the teachers in front of him didn't think they were good enough reasons for him and a few of his classmates to not stand up when the national anthem was playing.

They were sitting out on Sport's Day rehearsals because some were not feeling well (although it was obvious they were just lazy) and as for Minho it was because he'd get headaches the previous times he'd joined rehearsals. The Sun's blazing afternoon heat was too much for him to march alongside with his schoolmates on the field. He recalled the time he asked his house captain if he could rest under the shade while the students were reciting their speech. He would usually be embarrassed of the attention but at that moment his top priority was to close his eyes and drink water. And so every year he's been sitting out on rehearsals and the teachers were alright with it.

Now he's being scolded for disrespecting the national anthem all because he was too distracted bird watching. He would have been fine with it as it was a valid reason for the scolding until that new, arrogant teacher said,

" All of you are already not being patriotic by not participating in sports the least you could do is respect the anthem!"

Minho is sick of repeating himself to the same people that he has fucked up breathing his doctor can't seem to figure out the cause of. He ends up telling them he has asthma to make it simpler to digest. He's mad at this newbie telling him he doesn't love his country because of something he doesn't have any control over.

He rants to Hyunjin and Felix during break about the whole ordeal. He's probably going to rant about it again to his friends that had moved to another school in their group chat. He's still mad.

He's so mad he doesn't realise that when his class teacher asked him who was part of the earlier incident and Minho innocently tells him a few names, that he was going to deduct their respective house points.

The points his team had worked hard for the past 3 weeks. It was going to be his fault that their hardwork will go to waste. His fault. His. With this realisation he definetely wasn't going to join the house meeting. It's not like they've ever needed him in the previous ones anyway.

He slips into the bathroom and locks himself in one of the stalls. Its just 30 minutes of doing absolutely nothing. He's been through an hour in the same stall so he can go through this again. He'd rather wallow in self depreciating thoughts for an hour than to face the people he disappointed. However, this time he wasn't just avoiding club activities because his friends were absent a d he didn't want to be alone. This time he had caused the small (3 points may seem nothing but every point was crucial to the team) downfall of a group of people. People who were definetely more hard working than he was.

 _You're always in the way of everyone. An annoyance_. _**Scratch**_. _You're just like a chunk of meat dumped on the sidewalk.  A nuisance_. _**Scratch**_. _Your efforts were always fruitless so why keep trying? Why go on? **Scratch scratch**. What have you done to help anyone? Why can't you do better? Why are you the way you are? **Tear**_.

Ah, he's done it again. Tears were on the verge of spilling, his vision blurry but he knows he's squatting on the floor of the stall. He rests his back onto the wall and examines his fingers that were once on his nape. Red. It probably smells metallic but he can't tell due to the snot. He blows his nose into his fingers and cleans it off with the hose that was on his right. He leaves the red underneathe his fingers alone. It should serve as a reminder. Luckily his hair was long enough to cover the dark red patch based on his nape.

Minho knows this wasn't healthy for him but he could care less for his well-being . After all, he deserved it. He looks at his watch, only ten minutes passed.

He turns around so hes facing the wall, and lightly slams his head onto it. He's aware this all screams suicidal practices but he knows for sure he doesn't want to die in a toilet. He chokes on sobs everytime he hits the wall.

 _You're pathetic. You don't deserve to have fun for even a second. Look what it did. Your friends will hate you now for sure. The only fruits you bear will be rotten. Give up._ Minho curls himself into a ball and silently rocks himself on the heels of his feet. _**Give in. Give in. Give in. Give in.**_

He feels his fingers curling around his neck, not trying to be gentle at all, with his thumbs at his throat he squeezes. He exhales as much air as he can and holds it. _Suffer like you're supposed to. All you should receive are punishments. **Lungs. Trachea. Air.**_  
He fills his lungs with oxygen in a second and tries to soothe down the strain by breathing in and out slowly.

He's again reminded of the time he hyperventilated in front of his mother after school all because he ran up and down the school building to retrieve his forgotten food container. _Weak_. Apparently that took a toll on his lungs because he found himself crying uncontrollably due to wheezing in the shower back at home. He came out of the toilet still crying so his mother had to get him to lie down on the bed to focus on his breathing. A bother. He caught a cold that night.

He looks at his watch, half an hour had past. He hears people filling in the toilet, excited chatter replaced the silent lone whimpers that only he was there to hear.There was his cue. He cleaned himself up with the hose again and checked the reflection of himself through the smooth metal surfaces of his watch and once he deemed himself presentable he walks out of the stall. 

He's supposed to help with the house tent decorations like he had been doing for the past weeks so he goes up to his friend and for a moment he was doubting himself for ever coming to school today. It wouldn't have happened if he wasn't at school today. However his friend didn't address the issue. Did the teachers even tell the students who was the cause of the deducted points? Is his friend just hiding his disappointment in him? He's being given instructions on his next task so he pushes the question aside for now. He'll get back to it later. He needs to come clean. It's his fault but he's afraid. He's afraid he'll lose his friend. He's afraid of being ostracised. He's afraid he'll give in. _**Give in to the guilt Minho.**_

He's returned home from school and is expected to revise his studies. But procrastination eats him up like the bitch it is. It chews him up slowly, savouring every single bit of guilt he'll feel after he wastes two hours of study time and suddenly it's time to sleep. Another day gone without getting anything productive done. He promises himself he'll do it tomorrow.

He's been scrolling through twitter for the past hour to distract himself from crying thoughtlessly like usual when he got a call. Looking at the number he sees it's not one he recognises so he ignores it per usual. Except that it's stubborn and keeps him from reading tweets as the unknown number reappears on the screen every other second. Wanting to get over with it and maybe scream at the caller for ruining his bad mood on a bad day, he picks up the call and was not prepared for the chirpy voice that came out of it. 

" You're supposed to pick it up dumbass!! What took you so long?? "

Okay a rude caller. Nothing out of the ordinary.

" You've got the wrong number"

5 seconds away from his distraction and his eyes were already tearing up. His nose was running so his voice came out more nasally than usual.

" Hey are you crying?"

Minho definitely wasn't expecting that. He takes the phone away from his ear and looks at it in disbelief. How could a random stranger tell he was crying over a phone call? Was he being that obvious? Was he so attention seeking that he's asking for pity from a stranger by crying? **_Lungs. Trachea. Air._** Ah. He's hyperventilating again. Luckily his mom was out tonight. She would have heard him by now.

" Hey hey it's alright, deep breaths, take it in slowly, you're going to be fine"

 _Air. Air..._ He doesn't realise he's listening to the stranger's soothing voice and following his instructions until he's calmed down. Huh. Minho is usually one who keeps all his problems to himself. That's probably why he's never had anyone guide him like that. To calm him down like that.

_You keep it to yourself because it's nothing worth mentioning to others. They have bigger problems to deal with. You're selfish to think your friends have to help you with your personal issues. Everything doesn't revolve around you Minho. Stop being so sel-_

" Are you feeling better now?"

He snaps out of the trance and looks at the phone screen. When did he turn the speaker on? Should he answer him?

" I don't know what you've been through but if you need anything I'm here to listen"

Minho knows he has the best friends he could ever ask for but sometimes he wished they would say simple yet such comforting words out loud instead of writing it down over text.

"..... Thanks"

"I'm Jisung. Call me back anytime yeah?"

Jisung sounded like one of those extroverts who just oozed confidence in everything they do with the way he was trying to start a conversation with him, a stranger. He's probably popular and always surrounded by a large group of friends. Sometimes Minho would go through a list of reasons why he hates extroverts during his spare time but at the moment he has no reason to reject Jisung's call.

" I'm Minho"


End file.
